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Esther, my goddess of love, my star

Nothing in this world is currently as important as the health of my little girl Esther. For someone who was never the chihuahua type – suddenly, this little girl has changed me. After witnessing her devotion in the first 24 hours – attaching herself to my side and my every move being watched – little Esther has been my shadow. She makes me sit on my hands and forget the mental list of needs in my head for the household and instead I want to be quiet and still and offer my warm lap to this little dog that hopes for that spot with every ounce of her being in every moment of her day. Nothing has the importance of whether or not she has eaten… had her meds… drank water in the last hour… looks bright and alert… every second I think of my little Esther. I promised her if she gives me a week – if she tries for a week more and builds her strength – then she will get the chance to have that awful mass removed and avoid the infection that has been left to grow large enough and infected enough to end her life. I am taking it one hour at a time and just hoping that I will be able to give this girl another half to her life and get to share this new devotion I have for her. I am the least selfish person when it comes to my dogs. Their needs are my life and this girl has shown me her desire to go on – she has shared her spirit – her loyalty -her affection – her comfort – and now i want to remove her sickness and let her live a full life without any more suffering. Every time she gets up wagging her tail in the morning – on the bed beside me and greets me with enthusiasm – every time she sniffs her nose in the air at the aroma of her warm home cooked meal coming to her – my heart sores – happy tears well up! Every time I see her struggle to walk normally because of that huge infectious mass that has been left to grow on her delicate little 4 1/2 lb body – my heart sinks – sad tears fall! This roller coaster might just break me by the time it is done – but if I have little Esther in my arms and she can honestly look up into my eyes and be thankful that the discomfort and infection is gone, then I will be happy to be half the person I am now. I would offer her that. I have only known her a month and yet I cannot rest until I know that this wrong has been undone…for Esther…

The chance for surgery is inevitable! Esther is a pillar of strength in a 4 1/2 lb – 4 legged body! She has responded to the antibiotics with newfound strength. She even decided today that the home cooked stuff was good but a little canned dog food isn’t so bad either and devoured meals in between meals from other dogs’ plates. The elation in my chest when I saw the healthy hunger in her eyes and watched her take to whatever new treat that I offered is indescribable. I wake every morning and the only thing on my mind is whether or not she will want her meal and if she is doing better and not worse – not just hanging on – but building in strength for her surgery. It is a weight that pulls on you but then in those split seconds when there is a new brightness to her eyes and a new bounce in her gait – then the whole room lights up and the heavens sing out vibrating the walls and the floor softens beneath your feet and that sharp pain in your lower back wanes a bit – that stab in your own stomach (empty from worry) disappears and suddenly – so unexpectedly – all is right with the world. Such tiny little pleasures of hope furnished by this tiny little dog. I am sure now that Esther looks at me with a new expression now that she has seen my fervor for her future. Before, she needed me when she was left without a mother – without a family. Now, she can see that I have fallen for her tenfold and now I need her as well. Now she has a reason to stay…

Don’t you want to stay…Esther – My Goddess – My Star


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